If “a sociopath is a psychopath’s little brother” (Thank you Jack Kelly for putting it into words so eloquently), my boss was their older cousin. Not quite a part of the close family but desperate to be one of the boys. He was such a failure - as a person and a manager - that he couldn’t even do being a sociopath well. Despite the blatantly obvious desire to be one. He was a Failed Sociopath.
Why?
A sociopath has a bit of a conscience and recognises that he’s lying to you, but does it anyway. A failed sociopath, however, does it badly. If sociopaths and psychopaths often go unrecognised, a failed sociopath very quickly becomes very transparent. If statistics say it’s unlikely you will ever meet a true psychopath or a sociopath, failed sociopaths are fairly common.
Failure #1: All About Me
It is utterly impossible for failed sociopaths to do anything they don’t like. They will cross all lines when they find depraved joy in their actions: shout, abuse, lecture, humiliate, insult, be constant drama queens to inflate their self-importance, spend insane amounts of the company’s budget to have their photos taken at a small local event at the last minute, have multiple email signatures, each one with a slightly different flashy job title … But it has to be about THEM. The moment something needs to be done because it’s customary, expected or, god forbid, right, they collapse. They are incapable of performing without personal gain. It goes without saying that the undesired piece of work will inevitably land on your desk.
True sociopaths can; if for no other reason than to keep the manipulation going.
Failure #2: Teacher’s Pet
They need a sidekick; an apple polisher who can do no wrong and needs to be spoiled and pampered like a princess in the ivory tower. Someone younger who swoons around them and inflates their ego. Usually, the story ends with the apple polisher thrown under the bus. But not if your boss is a Failed Sociopath.
In my case that became obvious a month into the job when Idiot Jr. had the audacity to complain about me after disregarding the emails, briefs and instructions (proudly announcing to the whole office “I don’t read that shit.”), shouting at me on the phone and hanging up because he got lost on his way to the conference, barking at the organisers and prospects, bullying everyone at the stand and refusing to do the job. But I was the problem because I was being defensive when he was having a temper tantrum in front of 150 people. The Failed Sociopath’s solution? “Idiot Jr. is my friend and that friendship is important to me.”
True sociopaths pretend their teacher’s pet is like anyone else and do not believe they are their true friends. And they're not; sooner or later they will be thrown under the bus.
Failure #3: Divide and Conquer
My boss was also a mean girl. It was perfectly normal to talk about the co-workers behind their backs. Not just talking about them but criticising them, saying they are horrible, bad at their jobs, boring, stupid, annoying … The sky had no limits and neither did the vocabulary he used. Idiot Jnr was, of course, an exception. And he was often successful in creating animosity; what is more, he successfully played a part in getting rid of some of them. And got an addition to the job title by absorbing the role, the job title, and the paycheck of the kicked out person.
Where he failed, however, was in trying to turn very decent people against each other. Instead, the reaction was a group that helped each other out, worked harder and smarter, and quickly learned how to deal with the time bomb of teenage hormones that controlled the freak. At least for a while. Our roles were amongst the first to be made redundant but that is probably just a coincidence, isn’t it?
True sociopaths recognise groups that stick together and separate them.
Failure #4: The King
He knew absolutely everything about everything and made sure everyone heard it. And bullied them into agreeing with him. Because the moment you didn’t … holding a grudge was a skill perfected by the Failed Sociopath. The disagreement would be brought up, again and again, months afterwards. Publicly. And I’m not talking about a spat or an argument but rather a perfectly ordinary work-related discussion where opinions differed.
A true sociopath would do the same but make it look like it’s not a temper tantrum.
Failure #5: Me, Me, Me
He complained incessantly about how difficult it is to be him. Some might naively believe that by being under so much pressure and having such a difficult life means he has empathy. Oh no, no, no! I went down that rabbit hole once. Lulled into a false sense of having a conversation with a decent human I accidentally told him that I haven’t been feeling great because I was sick and in quite a bit of pain. The first opportunity with the audience he announced that I had the audacity of bringing up personal matters at work and that regardless of long hours and unbearable workload, we simply had to get the work done. It would be unprofessional not to.
A true sociopath would mimic understanding and then attack by making you feel guilty.
Failure #6: Unstable and Two-faced
He could be in a good mood one moment and lose it the next. A proper Mr Blabbermouth - Dr. Choker. Even his teacher’s pet will occasionally piss him off. Rarely, but when it happened, he would make a surprising comment like “Ah, Junior, he’s such a drama queen.” Don’t fall for that! Agreeing will only set him off.
A true sociopath can control his outbursts when he has to.
Failure #7: No Pay Rise For You
Of course not. But it’s not like you expect one. You know what the budget is like, how it was reduced, you know some of your colleagues’ salaries were reduced by 20% … It has nothing to do with him, of course, it’s the management, the investors, the pandemic … And yet you soon find out there is enough money to employ yet another friend of his and that your role, which was made redundant, will be replaced by a much more senior, more expensive position. And given to his friend.
A true sociopath is smart and ruthless, he is not caught lying, or at least it can’t be proven.
Failure #8: Micromanager and Control Freak
Did I mention he always knows better? He will tell you where to sit, complain about the poor quality of your monitor (provided by the company!), the way you use keyboard shortcuts, how you take notes, when you arrive at the office and when you leave, how much coffee you drink … If there is nothing to fix, he will change it anyway.
Sometimes I would submit his approved copy from a few days ago and he would, of course, start re-editing for the tenth time. Occasionally we would end up with the copy that was the same as the original one written by me - before 36 edits and changes by him. But apparently I couldn’t be trusted to write anything without it being vetted because English isn’t my first language. Proofreading his word salad, however, was a part of my job. And writing 20-page detailed briefs and whitepapers because he didn’t have the time for that. He was simply too lazy to control everything all the time. Needless to say, he took the credit for it.
A true sociopath never drops the ball and lets you go un-criticised or is too lazy to scrutinise every single thing you produce.
Failure #9: Hijacking your Spotlight
Presentations, team training, meetings are a chance for you to share your knowledge and present the fruits of your labour. While lecturing you how to present and endlessly changing your presentations, he tells you what a good job you’ve done. Once you’ve got the mike, he doesn’t let you finish a single sentence. Or when he asks everyone to tell him how they are and what they’ve been working on at regular weekly meetings, he only listens to one person, then butts in and forgets about everyone else because he needs to have a speech.
He, however, unravels whenever there is a question. Because he is utterly incompetent and doesn’t really know much. But it’s your job to know anyway, isn’t it, so why even ask questions?
A true sociopath is intelligent and manipulative to the point where you actually believe he may be good at what he does.
In short: A (failed) sociopath is a bully
Sociopaths are hot-headed and spiral out of control. The smallest thing can tick them off. There is no professional behaviour, manners, or social etiquette with them; they will reprimand you in front of colleagues and insult you - often for the things that are their own fault. They believe they are better and more important than anyone else.
But a Failed Sociopath is actually very insecure. And for a good reason - he can’t do the job. So he needs to make it seem like he can. The problem is that you keep your mouth shut and do his work as well. It’s self-preservation. It’s easier.
Sociopath bosses (Not managers - a manager actually manages; people, projects, and themselves) have no empathy or consideration for others but they pretend. They may create a very good first impression. For example, they will come across as charismatic and charming in an interview. They will pretend they are interested in you and even mimic your behaviour. But that is because they are in control in a situation like a job interview. Their agenda, however, is always strictly their own personal gain and career advancement. They will feign interest initially to manipulate you. But as soon as their control starts slipping - usually when you figure out they actually don’t know much and have almost no skills - they turn into psychotic lunatics.
Don’t feel bad if you didn't see the red flags straight away. Even a Failed Sociopath has some skills. What they lack is the intelligence and self-confidence to keep the pretence going. And once you see them for what they are, it’s best to leave. And never consider using them for a reference. Not only because they’re a ticking time bomb, vindictive and unreliable, but also because you shouldn’t keep on fuelling their ego after you’re finally free of the toxic environment they create. In reality, you don’t need them. They, on the other hand, couldn’t and wouldn’t be able to function without someone like you.